Deep Thoughts on My Fall from Grace!

I weighed myself last Saturday morning (DAY 6) and was thrilled to see the number on the scale had dropped 8 pounds.  I know it was mostly fluid and happiness, but EIGHT POUNDS in 5 days is pretty major.  I was very excited!

My family usually enjoys a big breakfast on the weekend.  I made the big breakfast even though I couldn’t eat it because I was tricked into it I’m selfless like that.  Inner child felt like we should be able to have some bacon.  What’s a piece of bacon when you just lost 8 pounds?  Her argument was strong, but I was stronger.  I was not happy about it, but I was stronger.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was really angry at my family for eating breakfast.  Hubby walked over to me munching on a hash brown and I almost filed for divorce.  I was so cranky that I thought someone in my family might actually hold me down and stuff carbs in my mouth.  The poor dears ate their breakfast and fled in fear. 

We went to a bull roast Saturday night.  As soon as I got there I knew I should have taken my own food.  They had a bunch of stuff that I couldn’t have, which I expected, but they didn’t really have anything I COULD eat.  I ended up getting a small portion of beef, 2 slices of tomato and ice water.  I actually felt pretty satisfied with myself…I had resisted the temptations…for a minute.

It didn’t take long for me to crumble.  Actually, someone gave me a jello shooter.  I was starving, it was sweet and it had to be fewer calories than the cake they had just put out.  It was a gift and I didn’t want to be rude. 

I’m not a big drinker, so I don’t even know what seemed so appealing about that little blue cup, but it was delicious.  It was blue jello with Pinnacle whipped vodka for those that are curious.  I’m not condoning drinking vodka, just sharing the truth because that’s what I aim to do here.  (Did I mention it was delicious?)

I wish I could tell you that it was the only one I indulged in, but I can’t.  I CAN tell you that if you go 5 days without eating and you aren’t a big drinker to begin with, it doesn’t take many of those little blue cups of joy to make you slightly fuzzy in the head.  I wish I could tell you that I didn’t try the “adult gummy bears” too, but I can’t.  I also wish I could tell you that I didn’t let my stinkin’ thinkin’ convince me that going to McDonald’s on the way home wasn’t really going to make a difference since I’d already blown it, but I can’t. 

Isn’t that all or nothing attitude what got me here in the first place?  That voice that says I may as well have what I want since I’ve already messed up beyond repair?  I used to let that voice tell me that I’d have to wait until Monday to get back on track.  I wonder if anyone else does that.  Do we all decide that whatever change we are attempting to tackle must begin on a Monday?  Do Mondays not suck enough already?  

I didn’t order fries or a soda.  Thinking about that cracks me up.  I don’t even understand the logic behind it.  I can eat jello infused with sugar liquor, gummy bears soaked in vodka and a burger that is really nothing more than pink plastic bubble goo, wrapped in a bun and slathered with ketchup, but I draw the line at French fries and a coke? 

It’s that same logic I use when I allow my kids to play Call of Duty but make them mute it.  I’m totally okay with them being proud of their “face shot” and other gruesome killings, provided they don’t drop the F-bomb when they do it.  I DO have my standards, you know.

My biggest concern was that I’d have to write about my failure but I knew that I had to because if I’m not honest about everything, this is kind of pointless.  I can brag about my every triumph and only post the positive stuff, but that would only be a sliver of the story.  This is hard.  I do laugh at myself every day, but every change I’m making is hard.  I can condemn myself for messing up, or I can love myself enough to keep on trying. 

Do I hate myself for not looking a certain way, or do I love myself enough to be healthy?  I truly believe the answer to that question can impact my success.  If I’m condemning myself for not being what I think I ought to be, then that ‘all or nothing’ attitude will take me down.  That voice tells me I may as well eat whatever I want, since I’ve already failed.  That voice that says I’ll always be on the losing end of this battle with my weight will take over and become toxic if I allow it.  That voice has been in charge for 9 years.  That voice is fired.

If you’ve read my other posts, you know that Meg has become one of my very favorite people and instructors.  It’s like an I LOVE MEGHAN Fan Club around here!  I really think it all goes back to the first time I heard her ask the question, “What are you here for?”  It spoke to my core and stirred a fire in me.  She asks it almost every class when we’re all tired and just want it to be over. 

For me, there is a lot of power in that question.  WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR? 

What am I doing all of this for? 

Why am I trying to work out when I’m terribly uncoordinated and it makes me want to throw up?

Why am I taking on hellacious dieting challenges that make me want to eat my gym sock dipped in butter? 

Why am I writing about embarrassing things like flatulence during core work, or selling my soul for a jello shooter? 

Well, I really want to be smoking hot!  DUH!

But wait…there’s more!

I want to break the chain of unhealthy habits and show my children something better. I want to be proud of myself and I want my family to be proud of me.  I love that after watching me struggle with my weight for 9 years my kids are now seeing me throw excuses out the window and take control over it.   I’m proud of the power in that message.  We all have struggles and we have to own them to overcome.

I’m here because God gave me this body and it’s my job to honor Him with it.  I’m thankful that He’s forgiving of the fact that my mouth doesn’t always honor Him, especially in CXWORX and PUMP! 

Why am I writing about it?  Well, at first I was just writing this blog for fun.  I thought my close friends and family would get a kick out of it and it’s a great stress buster for me.  I never thought it would be seen by as many people as it has and that is very humbling.  I keep writing because it is keeping me accountable and I figure if one person reads this, relates to it, and walks away feeling like maybe they can try something today that they were afraid to do yesterday…well THAT is really awesome.

I was certain my hiccup would have registered on the scale the next day, but there was no movement.  I weighed myself the following morning and it did go up 1.5 pounds.  It could’ve been the junk, it could’ve been fluid, or it could’ve been the gigantic pimple that formed on my face.  It was undoubtedly the result of the alcohol and sugar trying to exit my body.  Either that or my inner child was trying to sprout her own head right out of my chin. 

As of DAY 8 the scale moved back and I was still down 8 pounds.

I planned to be back on track and I was for a day or two, but then a million things came at me.  The final straw was being sick.  I want what I want when I am sick and the 21 day challenge did not fit into that plan. 

So here I am…ready to start again…and it just so happens to be on a Monday. 

I should just change my perspective on Mondays.  Here’s to Mondays being good for fresh starts and getting back on track!

Here’s to staying with the fight!

21 Day Challenge - Hell Week

Day 2:  I’ve been going to The Fitness Rave since August.  I’ve never walked in and found cookies waiting for me.  Apparently when there is a launch, they put out snacks.  WTHeck!?  I passed them by because let’s face it; I CAN’T fail on Day 2.  I did the new release of COMBAT (53) and loved it.  I only felt like I was going to throw up once or twice, but I felt pretty sluggish.  I know my body is not only adjusting to the eating changes but also soda withdrawal.

All of the portion measurements are done by comparison with your hand size.  Palm of protein, 2 handfuls of veggies, thumb-sized amount of fat.  I wish my hands were bigger.

Day 3:  I was scheduled to have lunch with friends and I didn’t want to cancel.  We were going to Panera Bread so I started looking at the menu at 10AM.  I decided I would get a chicken cobb salad minus everything that tastes good some of the ingredients that are not allowed in the challenge. 

The ordering went something like this:

Guy behind the counter:  Welcome to Panera, how can I help you?

Me:  I’ll have a chicken cobb salad, please.

Guy: Okay

Me:  With no egg, dressing, croutons, or bacon

Guy: Wha?

Me:  No egg, no dressing, no croutons, and no bacon.  Does it come with cheese?

Guy:  Yeah

Me:  And no cheese, or joy, or happiness

Guy:  Huh?

Me:  Can you just throw some grilled chicken, lettuce, tomatoes and avocado in a bowl?

Guy:  Do you want a baguette as your side?

Me:  I will CUT YOU!

Guy (into the microphone):  I got a complicated order!

*If you don’t get the Bon Qui Qui reference, please check it out on YouTube AFTER you’ve finished reading this post.  Don’t interrupt…RUDE!

I thought that I would have to split the salad, but the amount of chicken looked to be about palm size and the veggie portion looked about right with what I’m allowed to have.  The avocado was a little more than the thumb-sized portion I’m supposed to have.  I decided I was going to eat the avocado and hit myself in the thumb with a hammer later.  I figured swollen thumb = bigger thumb = more avocado.  :)  Meghan disagreed with my math.  No big surprise there.  My inner child doesn’t understand why Meg hates us like she does.  Meg's inner Bit@# doesn't understand why my inner child is such a crybaby.  Those two just can't get along.

I really enjoyed my salad and my time with friends.  They enjoyed my bread. J

I finished the day by going to the new release of BODYPUMP 83.  Marisa, my diet buddy and fitness idol, was in class.  At one point I mentioned to the girl next to me that I was weak.  I meant in general and all of the time.  Marisa turned and said that she was weak too!  She meant because of the diet.  SHE had what looked to be about 300 pounds of weight on her bar.  She said it was half of what she usually does.  I had about 3 pounds on my bar.  I told her it was about double what I usually do.  She blew me a kiss and went back to kicking butt. 

FYI…Les Mills people… just because you CALL one track a SQUAT track and another a LUNGE track doesn’t mean we don’t realize that you snuck extra bottom half squats in on us.  Meg said if we added more weight, we’d get a break.  I added more weight.  APPARENTLY we have different ideas of what a “break” looks like, but whatever.

I did feel pretty weak and tired during BODYPUMP, but I decided to stay and try the latest release of CXWORX (8).  I made this decision partially because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get to the gym for a few days, partially because the launch makes everything seem so exciting, but mainly because my friends were there and I’m a follower.

I don’t even know that I did half of the stuff I was supposed to do.  I was mainly just laying there feeling sorry for myself while visions of bananas danced in my head.  I kept my legs up in the air so everyone would think I was working.  Now don't go telling people that I just throw my legs up and lay there.  It's not nice to gossip, mkay?

There was a part of the class where I swear Meg was levitated off of the floor.  Her feet were up.  Her head was up.  She said her butt was on the ground, but I swear I saw her floating in the air.  It may have been a hallucination brought on by hunger.  She wanted us to do it too!  She looked like this:

YES, she was smiling!  I think I saw her head spin slowly.  THEN she moved her legs and her head towards the floor at the same time and rose back up.  She did it very slowly.  She never touched the floor and she never lost control of any muscle in her body.  Did I mention that she wanted us to do it too!?  I was afraid I was going to lose control of my bladder!  I looked back at PW and she said, “She hates people, doesn’t she?”

DAY 4:  I had a cup of coffee, which is allowed, but I added a smidgen of half and half because I'm not cool enough to handle it black.  I also ate a tic tac.  Don't judge me.

DAY 5:  If I was a wild animal, I would have eaten my children this morning.

I am still sluggish because I’m still de-toxing off of soda, but it's getting better.  I’ve had lots of people try to tell me that it’s okay to “treat” myself.  My mother even said, “You can’t live like this forever!”  No, but I can do it for 21 days.  I figure that sliding into the clean eating lifestyle should be like a party after this!

On a positive note (since all I’ve done is whine and complain)

My skin was really breaking out badly last week.  It’s clearing up and isn’t as oily.  Since the only thing that I’ve changed is my diet, I’m assuming it’s a perk. J

I’ll be taking measurements and weighing on Monday so I’ll let you know if 7 days of the “Suck the Life Out of Me for 21 Days” challenge has made any impact on my measurements yet.

The It Sucks to be Me Diet!

I hate to admit to it, but I DO like to keep it real, so here goes…

I’ve been using the fact that I’m working out as an excuse to eat crap. 

There…I said it.

Prior to exercising, I ate much better than I have been eating in the past few weeks.  In the beginning, I was being very careful about what I ate, but that’s all over with.  I will leave the gym, walk in the house and head right for the snack cabinet.  I’ve been rewarding myself with food.  Go to the gym…wag my tail…reward with food.  I know it’s bad so I’ve agreed to try a new diet.

Apparently Les Mills has come up with a diet challenge.  You know how they like to keep the torture fresh and new so nobody gets bored.  21 days to reset your body to a healthy pattern of eating.  Someone thought it would be funny to have me try it out and write about it.  They can’t possibly think this will be GOOD for business but I agreed because I want to be smokin’ hot.

Day 1 wasn’t horrible.  I missed my diet coke aka THE JUICE.  It’s my caffeine source and while I know all of the health nuts see the words “diet coke” as POISON IN A CAN, I have not been able to kick that nasty habit.  I pretty much breezed through the day until my oldest son had ice cream last night.  It took a little bit of self control not to lick his face.
Day 2 has been a little longer.  I am tired.  I have a headache.  I’m whining and sending messages like crazy asking what I can have.  I think MegHan has set up an automatic NO response to my messages.  I just wanted crab soup…jeez!  Protein and veggies…I am NOT seeing the problem with that.

I started thinking back to a story I heard about a guy in Tennessee.  He was known as the Big Bellied Rapist.  He confessed to 19 felony charges that led to a 60 year sentence.  NOW he is claiming that his interrogators used junk food to coerce him into confessing.  He claims that they only fed him lettuce for an extended period of time and he was so insane from the diet that it rendered him incapable of making a rational decision.  When they offered him chips and a soda, of course he confessed to 19 FELONY COUNTS.  They must have been some GOOD chips…and high octane soda, not the diet stuff.

When I first heard that story, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.  This can’t possibly work as a defense!  Who would confess to anything for a coke and some chips? 

Well, after 36 hours on this new eating plan, I might.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’d do 60 years for some run of the mill chips, but I may be willing to do 3-6 months for a brownie.

(I am not trying to make light of Mr. Big Belly’s crimes, only his ludicrous defense.)

But here’s another example of how dieting can get you in trouble:

LONDON, April 7 (Reuters) - An airline pilot arrested just before take-off on suspicion of being over the alcohol limit was not drunk and the diet he was on may have been to blame for the confusion, airline Virgin Atlantic said on Saturday.

Police arrested a 47-year-old pilot of a New York-bound Virgin Atlantic plane at London’s Heathrow airport after being tipped off by security staff who thought the pilot had been drinking.

An initial breath test showed that the pilot was over the alcohol limit, but his blood tests were negative according to the airline spokesman.  “The result showed the amount of alcohol in the blood was consistent with that of a non-drinker,” he said.

They said a diet the pilot had been on may have been the cause of the mistake. A laboratory that carried out the blood test on the pilot said some diets lead the body to generate increased levels of acetone.  The result of that would be the smell like alcohol on someone’s breath.

So not only could I go so crazy that I confess to a crime that I didn’t commit, but I could get a DWI?  I would be doing a public service if I backed away from the computer and ate a Twinkie RIGHT NOW.

And finally, The Mayo Clinic apparently did a study about the impact dieting has on our mental health.

"A group of emotionally healthy young women who did not need to lose weight agreed to live together in the clinic under a doctor's supervision while being fed a restricted diet for an extended period of time.”  Really?  They didn’t need to lose weight but agreed to be a part of this study?  Read on… “In less than 90 days the women's personalities had begun to change, they began experiencing unprovoked feelings of anxiety, persecution and hostility. Some had nightmares and others panic attacks. The doctor overseeing the study stated that he had 'created a group of neurotics'."

If you ask me, they were crazy to agree to a diet that they didn’t need to begin with, but whatever.

My point…because I have one…

I do NOT believe that diet should be a defense for committing a crime BUT please know that if at any time over the next 21 days, I confess to a crime, crash a plane or go bat crap crazy, it’s NOT MY FAULT.  Please send snack cakes. 

Thank you.

I’m off to BODY COMBAT.