I thought I was going to a kick boxing class.
I went to Body Combat. Kick boxing is Body Combat’s bitch. Body Combat is like Mr. Miagi and Evander Holyfield duking it out to an awesome soundtrack. Oh, did I mention it made me feel like I was going to vomit?
I didn’t go all of the way to the back of the room. I moved up a row. The lighting in the room was much brighter than the room I’ve done other classes in. My inner brat prefers the dark room where nobody can really see us cry.
CarA (prounounced Car-UH) and MegHan (the H is silent but you should know it's there) took their places at the front of the room. (emphasis on the A and H provided by CarA and MegHan themselves) They were getting geared up. Of course they are both ripped and look like they do nothing but eat tofu and kick butts all day. My pre-class plan was to call the instructor Mr. Miagi, but there were two of them. What do to??
We were bouncing back and forth…punch…jab…UPPERCUT! I think I like those the best!
Hmmm…nicknames…there have to be good nicknames – oh crap, we’re kicking! FOCUS DANIEL SON!
I was sweating and panting and I’m pretty sure we’d been jumping and moving for 2 days. That’s when
Jackie Chan MegHan said the most atrocious thing anyone has ever said to me before. The sheer horror of her words made me tremble with fear and want to run from the room.
oh I can’t even type it…
“Are you warmed up?”
Steven Segal MegHan smiled, because they all smile while they’re administering their preferred form of torture.
What the flip flappin’ pancakes did she just say? I looked at Christina; my facial expression clearly displayed my thoughts. She said, “That was the warm up,” and she SMILED. She's one of THEM now! I nearly wet my pants. They were “warmed up” I was ON FIRE! My blood was lava and I’m pretty sure that’s what it would feel like to be cremated – only without the fatigue and screaming muscles. Yes, being cremated would be more relaxing than Body Combat! That’s when I made the mistake of looking at my watch. It had been 15 minutes, my friends. It took 15 minutes for
Grass and Hopper MegHan and CarA to whoop my tail and I had 45 minutes to go!
Okay…I can do this. Kick, punch, jab…
Hmm…nicknames…these two are like Mr. Miagi and Daniel…
And ticked enough to punch someone…
Who isn’t really there…
But they’re still in touch with their zen...
And I don't think my husband would mind my saying that they're both pretty smokin' hot too! (But I won't tell him that because then he'll want to come to class!)
I certainly can’t name them something offensive seeing as how clear it is that they could both take me out with an elbow!
Did I mention I was chewing gum? Apparently at this point, I was breathing so heavily that the sheer force of the air leaving my lungs launched my gum out of my mouth and onto the floor. Son of a BLACK BELT!
Bobbing and weaving my way through room full of women, Kung Fu fighting, was a little like I imagine being on the show, Wipe Out to be. I could have been taken out at any minute. I thought I was going to have to bite someone’s ear off! I managed to get the ejected gum before someone stepped on it and stuck it to my water bottle. Mission accomplished!
Then I couldn’t stop laughing. Have you ever tried to have a fist fight with the air when you can’t breathe and can’t stop laughing? It is no picnic.
Inner Child made her voice heard: “Oh no, I think
Chuck Norris MegHan saw the gum!”
Inner Voice of reason responded: “Don’t be ridiculous, but don’t make eye contact, just in case. And for the love of all things holy, STOP LAUGHING!”
Apollo Creed CarA just SAW US LAUGHING!
OOH! New track – Rhianna! We did this sassy little step and kick thing. I am learning that when you are very clumsy in these classes, as I am, you sometimes get a move right and it feels like you know what you are doing, if only for a second. It’s like hitting a sweet spot. It was in this sweet spot that I was introduced to a new voice inside of my head.
Now, my inner
child BRAT and my inner voice of reason are always at odds with each other. My inner child screams and throws fits, my inner voice of reason looks over her glasses, down the bridge of her nose and speaks in hushed, calm tones. This new voice was small and quiet, but strong and steady. It was also quite possibly the dumbest one of all because it said, “We’re going teach a class like this one day!” All of my voices laughed and laughed. I think maybe when I can get through the class without feeling like I need a medic, I’ll slowly make my way to the front of the room and we’ll see where it takes me. I already have to get my butt into pink; I don’t need to go dragging it on a stage just yet!
They ended the class with core work, which always makes me feel terribly afraid that I’ll encounter digestive distress causing discomfort to those around me. Oh, why be proper now…I’m always scared I’m going to fart on someone when I’m doing crunches. Can any of you tell me how I’m supposed to eat all of these veggies and NOT fart when my legs are in the air and I feel like I’m trying to push out a baby just to keep them there?
Sorry…I will end this on a positive note, so back to the new voice…
I think this new voice may be the voice of confidence. I don’t know that it’s NEW; I just think it’s been missing for a very long time. It’s still small, but the more I feed it, the more it will grow. (I mean, look at what feeding’s done for my rear end!)
All I have left to say is that there are no nicknames to do them justice. MegHan and CarA are butt kickin’ rock stars who made me want to puke and I can't wait to do it again!