Monday, August 13, 2012

Zumba Took Away My Secret Identity

My secret identity has been revealed.

I showed up for Zumba with the Bouncy Ball of Cuteness.  My step daughter, herein after known as SD for Super Daughter, and her mom, hereinafter known as PW for Practice Wife were with me.  Yes, we are friends.  For those of you who have step-children, it is possible, it is best for your kids and it is loads of fun. 

Nothing keeps hubby on his toes like knowing you could join alliances with his ex-wife at any moment.  Wonder Wife Powers ACTIVATE – FORM OF – 2 ex-wives with the SAME ATTORNEY! 

Just kidding…

I would never use her attorney…

He wasn't very good.

PW and SD took their places in the front row.  PW likes being in the front and first.  I did not take my usual place in the back.  I took the 2nd row.  Hmm I may see a pattern developing here.

The BOC took the stage and started talking to everyone, trying to get us pumped about exercising on a Sunday morning.  Then she mentioned that there was a blog.  I could feel the heat rising in my face.  She said that the person who wrote this blog said she bounces instead of walking.  A neon arrow dropped from the ceiling above my head. 
Everyone nodded in agreement.  (Because she SO does)

PW and SD were standing in front of me – they turned to look at me and laughed. 

She moved on to say that this "mysterious" person referred to her as a ball of cuteness.  She preferred to be called Sex Pot; duly noted.  Seeing as how she is 4 ½ feet of zest-angy-icy sex appeal, we shall change her name. 

PW, SD and surrounding friends all looked at me, smiling.
BOC Sex Pot said she didn't know who it was.  That’s when PW, SD and FRIENDS picked me up and threw me under the bus.  I was called out.  They all pretty much pointed. 

Bunch of tattle tales!  The shade of red that my skin turned clashed with my new workout outfit.

BOC Sex Pot said, “Is it YOU!?”



I just made eye contact with the floor and gave a slight, unconvincing shake of the head.

She was not buying it.  If I ever have to enter the witness protection program, I am NOT taking PW, SD or FRIENDS with me.

I don’t necessarily mind people knowing who I am, but it does make it challenging to keep this thing real to my thoughts.  For example, in my post on Body Combat, I asked for tips on keeping digestive distress at bay when working my “core”.  Now I’m worried that if the room gets stinky while I’m doing crunches, everyone will automatically blame me.  Someone could potentially crop dust a room after eating Mexican food and everyone will say, “It’s probably just that gassy girl that writes those stories.”  I don’t want to be the flatulence fall guy, but I guess I have it coming.


The music starts.  In true BOC Sex Pot fashion, she’s bouncy and full of energy and wants us to engage in lots of bumping and grinding.  Bumping, I can do.  I bump into stuff all of the time.  But the grinding, well that’s a problem.  For some reason, my nether regions can’t get the circular motion down. 

At one point she had us shake our chests.  She wanted us to “isolate” the movement.  Unfortunately, I can’t isolate any movement yet.  If I’m shaking my girls, I can assure you that there will be an aftershock that will impact the rest of my body.  But I tried.  I felt a certain amount of pressure to really do my best knowing that she knew, that I knew, that she knows that I write stuff about her butt, ya know?

It was then that we turned to the right and I saw the mirrors.  Ah…mirrors…the reason I like the back row.  As funny as I think I look in my head, it can’t compare to what I actually look like in the mirror!  Seeing the image in the mirror turned this blog into a reality show in my mind. 

Then she had us drop it like it was hot.  Only mine is barely lukewarm and I can just about manage drop it about 2 inches.  On the other hand, I have no doubt that PW could pick a dollar up off of the floor!  I can’t believe that hubby let her get away ‘cause she can move her butt!  I can’t make a basic circle, but PW can do geometry with her ascot.  UNFORTUNATELY, SD got her mother’s moves. 

BOC Sex Pot also had us shake our junk on each other, which was pretty funny.  She figured we couldn't possibly be bashful with someone we backed our butt up on.  It works for dogs, so why not a room full of...?  SD said that was her favorite part and she thinks BOC Sex Pot is a super star!

BOC Sex Pot had us cracking up the whole time.  We were all sweating, but having a great time.  It certainly didn’t feel like work.  With the exception of the turns/spins - those always feel like work.


All in all, Zumba was not as difficult as I anticipated it to be.  Could it be that I’m catching on? 

Oh no…what will I write about?

FUN FACTS:  Don't know what a Sex Pot is?  Well allow me to enlighten you.  While I was looking for the official definition of Sex Pot I stumbled upon this little morsel of knowledge:  This is actually the title of a book and 2 movies.  The book is apparently about the "happy confluence of carnality and cannabis".  We will not be using that definition to describe BOC Sex Pot. 

We'll go with this one courtesy of Urban Dictionary:  A sexy hot person. NOT someone who necessarily likes sex all of the time (although she might), but one who is just freakin' hot.  Considering the source of the definition, I had to correct the spelling on most of the words but I think it's probably suitable.


  1. Seriously LOLing all over myself every time I read your blog!!!! You are a mess!!!! I can not wait to join you in one of these classes!!!!

  2. I would LOVE for you to join me in one! :)

    Sex Pot told me I dropped it like the rent was due! LOL!

  3. AHAHAHAHA! Your blog never fails to disappoint. :-)

  4. Thanks Leah! You are super inspiring when you're perspiring! :)